Posts Three and Four in One

Post #3 of my 30 in 30 happened yesterday while I was in a Beverly Hills outpost of Joe + The Juice. I wrote for about an hour and a half directly into my Squarespace REFLECTIONS page and after hitting “Save + Publish,” watched it stall, crash and disappear.

I reached out to Squarespace’s live chat tool and was alerted to the fact there is no Autosave function and if something like the above happens, and it does sometimes (oops!), content is lost forever...lost forever...lost foreeeeveeeerrrrr...

So, I guess yesterday’s lesson was in learning to let go. Also to start writing my posts in Google Drive first, which autosaves, and then posting it onto my blog #backitup

It was a good post! I touched briefly on my LA Confidential Magazine interview with ‘The Vampire Diaries’ star Michael Trevino, which once again reminded me an actor’s life is best lived taking risks and feeling the fear but doing it anyway. Also, that I want to have my own podcast in which I speak to guests for an hour and post the whole thing for the world to hear (note to self: add ‘start a podcast’ to list of goals directly above ‘be a guest on Marc Maron’s WTF’).

After that, I turned to the 2019 Met Gala because besides being riveted, and I do mean RIVETED to the point of artist soul palpitations by the costumes and artistry on display, I was also fascinated with the internet’s wrestling of how to define “camp,” which sent me temporarily down a blissful tunnel of Susan Sontag reflections. I have read most of her work over the years, reviewed ‘Sontag Reborn,” an Off Broadway solo show at New York Theatre Workshop based on her journals, and remain committed to my desire to write and star in a biopic.

And onto today.

Good morning! It is 10:30am PST and I have had such a nourishing last few hours. My morning meditation is back up to 20 minutes and includes chanting. I have a love buzz from that and the strong coffee I brew. And for the first time in 12 days, I did not wake up feeling sick. I feel GREAT! :)

I arrived here on 4/10, which was a Wednesday, so technically this is my fourth week here in LA. I feel more settled. I feel less grief-stricken, which I’ve come to recognize was one of my predominant emotional cycles since leaving New York. There was a lot of loss to process and even as I elected to let go and walk away from my life, the process was/is still ripe with sadness.

Reflecting on the interactions I had every day or weekly, and simply not having them anymore makes me tear up now. I feel like a piece of my heart was yanked out of my chest, so I am allowing that to settle and release. I let go more and more each day by the ocean.

That said, I remain completely and utterly in love with my decision to move to LA. Everything about it feels right, and I have a little tingle up the back of my spine as I write. I feel love every day, moment to-moment love and immense gratitude for all of the support I’ve received from my family and friends. I feel proud of my courage and willingness to finally put myself first, invigorated by the creative process of manifesting my new life. And as I listen + watch a hummingbird dance around a squirrel in the tree to my left, I drop down even deeper into who I am and why l took a leap.